


A Place to Belong

by Musetotheworld



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, F/F, Lena just wants a place to belong okay, and maybe a bit beyond canon typical but not seriously so, deals with discussion of death and killing, sniper!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 01:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9855938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musetotheworld/pseuds/Musetotheworld
Summary: Lena is four when she comes to live with the Luthors. She spends years trying to earn the name. It's not until she goes on a mission with Lex that Lena wonders if maybe the name isn't worth earning after all.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a quick two thousand words or so about Lena being a badass DEO sniper. Obviously that plan changed over time. Warnings for death and guns, though the detail is more about dealing with using them than them actually being used.

Lena is four when she's told they've found a family for her. She's lucky, they say, lucky to have been adopted by such a powerful family. She'll have everything she could dream of, and even more. How lucky she is.

Within a week Lena has realizes there's nothing lucky about it.

The house is cold, no matter the temperature. Lena is never good enough, no matter what she does. And love is only a word within these walls, not something to be given or felt. Lena feels more like a prized possession than anything else.

But it's still nicer than the constant movement between foster homes, still nicer than being ignored. At least in this home someone is paying attention to her, even if only to point out her mistakes.

But Lena learns, as quickly as she can. How to smile, when to be silent, how to stand, what not to say. It's an act, just like everything else in this world, but it's one that Lena masters.

She's five by the time she realizes it will never be enough.

X

By twelve Lena has learned how to be the perfect daughter, the perfect Luthor. Her father has even warmed to her presence, just the slightest. Never giving outright approval, but no longer quite as distant when she did something right. And to Lena, so long used to nothing but criticism and scorn, it feels almost like love.

She's not sure when that became enough, when she forgot what it felt like to be truly cared for, but Lena has adapted. The chill that comes the Luthor name no longer sends a shiver down her spine, she no longer feels the cold that lingers in the air no matter what the temperature is. She is a Luthor, no matter how her mother tries to deny her that right. They'd given her the name, but she's the one who has taken it, made it her own. Lena will not let Lillian deny her what should have been hers from the beginning. She's earned the name, poured herself into the mold they gave her, done everything right. She will not lose her chance to belong.

With that goal in mind, wanting to know everything she can about this family that had chosen her, Lena begins to explore the house in a way she hadn't before. If she's going to be a Luthor, she needs to know the secrets. She needs to know the truth about what lies beneath the surface. The family may be cold and precise on the surface, but Lena knows there is more to it than that. She's seen the distaste on her mother's face, the disgust on her father's, and the barely concealed rage on her brother's. They all want to pretend those emotions don't exist, but Lena knows better. There's something more going on, something she needs to be a part of, if she's going to belong. 

At first she finds nothing. Everything is so carefully placed to present the picture her parents want to show the world, there isn't anything to be found. But then Lena starts looking behind the doors she isn't supposed to open. The ones that belong to her brother, mostly. She isn't quite brave enough to risk Lillian's wrath, or losing Lionel's distant form of affection. But she thinks she can get away with pushing Lex, just a little.

The door opens silently, and Lena sees a quick flash of light before it fades, leaving the room in half light. It takes a moment for her eyes to adjust, but when they do she looks around in awe. There are weapons in this room, guns and bows and strange things she can't figure out. It's an entire arsenal, and Lena wants to try everything.

She's never touched a weapon before, not really. The bat next to her bed doesn't count, no matter how reassuring its comforting weight is when she feels a pinprick of cold terror slip through her. It's a useless piece of wood that's powerless against the real monsters in her life, but at least it had been something to grab hold of.

These though, these are real, and powerful, and they call to Lena with a voice she can't resist. She's always been the meek Luthor daughter, barely accepted, there only because of Lionel's insistence and Lillian's charity. But maybe with these she can be more than that. Maybe she can be strong enough to deserve the Luthor name.

The first rifle she picks up feels strangely light, even to her child's strength. There's a sense of beauty to it, a hum of barely contained power, and Lena can't hold back a gasp as she looks at her hands holding it. They're small against the dark weapon, frighteningly pale compared to the dark metal. But they seem right, and as Lena shoulders the rifle the way she’s seen in movies, she wonders what it would be like to shoot it. She can’t inside, she knows that without anyone having to tell her. And she can’t imagine how she’d get a rifle past her family and the mansion staff, but it’s still a dream.

The door creaking open behind her has Lena almost dropping the weapon, clutching it to her chest to avoid losing her grip entirely. It can’t be her mother yet, holding a weapon does not make her strong enough, and she knows it. She isn’t ready.

But it’s not Lillian standing in the doorway, it’s Lex, and Lena wonders if that’s worse. Her kind, loving brother from so long ago has changed, and she isn’t sure it’s for the better. Even now, just standing there looking at her there’s a gleam in his eyes that Lena does her best to ignore. “So, you found your way to the playroom,” he says with a smile, and Lena knows she’s in trouble. “I wonder how you’d like it in action.”

Lena is so surprised that she isn’t being lectured that the trip to the firing range hidden in the basement passes in a blur. She hadn’t had any idea that there was so much unexplored territory in the mansion, even if she’d known how little of it she’d actually seen. She’d expected offices, maybe labs, but not a full armory and firing range, all state of the art and equipped with every failsafe known to man and quite a few aliens as well.

When Lex explains the components of the rifle and how to properly use it, Lena shakes herself back into the moment, listening raptly as he goes through each function and hidden feature. This is definitely something to pay attention to. Impressing her family aside, holding an actual weapon deserves close attention to the safety lecture.

“You got it?” Lex asks when he finishes, seeming more like the brother she’d first met than the near stranger he’d been recently. At Lena’s nod he smiles, pressing a button and setting up a lane for her. “Then let’s see what you can do.”

The silhouette at the end of the firing lane is humanoid but not human, and Lena shudders for a moment before again shouldering the weapon, waiting as Lex adjusts her stance and shows her how to look through the scope. And if Lena treats this as any other challenge, focuses on the small things rather than what she’s aiming at, she can do this. The feel of the rifle in her hands, the magnified view, the careful placement of hands to steady the weight, those she can handle.

With a quick breath Lena pulls the trigger, surprised at how strongly the rifle kicks back against her shoulder. She hadn’t known to expect that, and staggers back a step more in surprise than anything else. “Did I hit it?” she asks, looking down the lane at the target.

“You did. A solid torso shot too,”Lex says, pride clear in his tone. “You’re a natural, Lena. If we can get you used to the kick, I think you could hit just about anything you put your mind to.”

In the face of such rarely given praise Lena forces her discomfort down and pushes a smile onto her face. For more of this acceptance, she can do anything.

X

She’s eighteen when she makes her first kill.

Years of training with every weapon Lex dreams up have given Lena a confidence in her abilities, but she’s never actually used them against anything but fake silhouettes at the end of firing lanes designed to mimic outdoor conditions that can affect accuracy. And against those targets, Lena can’t miss.

This is different, no matter how she tries to pretend it isn’t. This is real life, this is a rooftop across from a building she doesn’t recognize. This is her brother counting on her to watch his back. And as much as Lena hates the thought of using the rifle in her hands, she still craves the feeling of belonging. She can’t let Lex down.

Her instructions were simple enough. Stay on the rooftop, listen only to channel five on the radio, and if any aliens show up take them out.

She’s hoping for a quiet whatever this is, but even with nothing on her channel and nothing happening anywhere she can see Lena’s heart hasn’t stopped racing since she took her position and set up her rifle. There’s a chance she could kill someone today, and she doesn’t know how to feel about that. A Luthor puts family first, and Lena desperately wants to be a Luthor in more than just name, but everything about this situation is too much for her.

But before she can do more than worry about lines and crossing boundaries, a voice is speaking in her ear, directing her attention to the North entrance and the armed guards swarming there. Most look human, but one of the forms in the front rank is clearly not. And now all Lena can hear is her brother’s serious voice as he asked whether he could count on her.

Without conscious thought, without even realizing she’s moving, Lena has the rifle lined up on the alien within moments. The shape through the scope is moving, but other than that it’s just like the countless practice shots she’s made over the years, and as she hears Lex asking what she’s waiting for, whether she wants him to die, Lena squeezes the trigger.

Her shot is dead on, as all her shots are, and between one moment and the next the alien is down, not moving. And Lena’s calm deserts her, leaving her gasping and retching as Lex congratulates her for the clean shot. She’d just killed someone. An alien of a species she doesn’t recognize, but still a being who could think and feel. And with one movement, one small twitch of her finger, Lena had taken that away.

Suddenly everything about being a Luthor seems different, because Lena doesn’t know how she can want to be a person who does this. Who takes lives so easily. Maybe she isn’t meant to be a Luthor after all. Maybe everything she’s wanted for fourteen years is a lie.

She manages to keep it together long enough to convince Lex she’s fine. It’s close, she’s too shaken to quite manage her usual expressionless mask, but he’s too distracted by whatever he’d taken from the building to question her. And that works perfectly for Lena’s plans.

They aren’t that thought out of course. ‘Run’ is a great step but a lousy goal, but it’s all she has. She just has to get away, hopefully far enough that Lex won’t be able to find her. Lena doesn’t have much hopen on that score, her brother is a genius and will have far more resources than she can dream of, but she has to at least try. The very thought of being asked to do that again is too much to bear.

The mansion is empty when Lena gets back, the staff ordered to clear out as they usually are when Lex has something planned. The fewer witnesses to whatever he bring back, the better. And that means there’s no one to see Lena hastily pack a bag and head for the garage, intent on taking one of the more inconspicuous cars to get as far away as she can as quickly as she can.

It’s a matter of moments to disable the tracker embedded in the engine and block it from being remotely reactivated, and soon Lena is on the road heading west. She doesn’t have a destination in mind, but there’s more land in that direction than there is in any other, so it seems like a good place to start. She only has a few hours before her absence is noted, so step one needs to be putting as much distance between herself and her family as possible in that time.

With her focus on getting away Lena completely misses the drop in speed as she approaches a small town about an hour from Metropolis. She only realizes her mistake when she sees lights flashing behind her, and immediately wants to curse and break something at her rotten luck. Still, depending on the officer, maybe she can talk her way out of this. She’s a Luthor, she’s attractive, and she has a clean record.

“Other than being a murderer,” her conscience whispers, but Lena forces herself to ignore it. That’s something to dwell on later in the privacy of an anonymous hotel room.

“Are you aware how fast you were going?” the officer says as he steps to her window, and Lena works to look slightly young and innocent as she looks up at him, information already in hand.

“I’m afraid I must have missed a sign,” she admits, knowing that arguing will only make the situation worse. Repentant is the way to play this.

“It happens to the best of us, Miss,” he says with a smile as he reaches for her information, and Lena thinks she might just get out of this. Then he looks at her ID, and she can see his demeanor change. The shift is sudden and complete, all trace of his earlier friendliness gone in an instant. “But still, Miss Luthor, twenty over heading into our small town is awful dangerous. We’ve got kids running around here. Reckless driving is a big concern.”

“I apologize, Officer,”Lena tries, even though she can tell her name has already decided how this will go.

“Apologies don’t keep our children safe. And given how fast you were going, I’m gonna need to take you in until a judge can decide what the appropriate consequences are for your crimes.” From the way he’s talking Lena knows this isn’t about her and her speeding, but there’s nothing she can do to fight this. Whatever Lex or Lillian did to earn this man’s hatred, Lena won’t be able to talk him out of it any time soon.

So rather than getting as far away as quickly as she can, Lena finds herself not even an hour from Metropolis sitting in a cell. And with her name being logged on the charges being filed, Lex won’t need to look hard to find her. She can probably claim she just needed space to think for a night or two after the events of the day, but even if he believes her there will be no escaping again. He won’t give her a chance.

How long Lena sits there she doesn’t know, but eventually she sinks into a near trance as she replays her actions, wondering whether there was ever a moment she could have acted differently. Maybe if she’d made a different decision at some point in her life she wouldn’t be sitting here right now. If she’d never picked up that rifle, then she’d never have killed someone.

But Lena can’t imagine not having her current skill, not after how hard she’d worked to gain it. She’s proud of herself and what she can do, even if she can’t imagine using her skill against a living person ever again. There’s so little in her life that she  _ can _ be proud of, Lena can’t imagine not having something she’s poured so much effort into. 

“Miss Luthor, may I speak with you for a moment?” a voice comes from behind her, and Lena freezes. It’s not one of the family lawyers she’s familiar with, not a voice she recognizes at all, and a stranger in a time like this isn’t likely to be good news.

“I didn’t ask for a lawyer,”she throws out, not answering but also not indicating interest. “My family will no doubt hire one for me once they realize where I am.”

“And correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s something we’d both like to avoid, isn’t it?” the stranger responds, and Lena stands and turns despite herself.

“What do you know?” she asks sharply, because Lena has never given any indication that she isn’t perfectly happy with the Luthor name and reputation. Not until she’d run, which means that this man knows something about what happened today. And that fact, more than the fact he’s a stranger, spells trouble.

“I know a great many things, Miss Luthor. About you  _ and _ about your family. And I believe we can help each other.” He sounds calm, collected, and Lena can’t help be intrigued. There’s something about him that she can’t pin down, and Lena has spent years working to see the truth beneath the surface.

“Who are you?” she asks before agreeing to anything, because as tempted as she is she still retains her Luthor caution. She can’t let herself be drawn in by the mystery and some half promised chance of escape.

“My name is Hank Henshaw, and we have a great deal to discuss.”

X

It doesn’t take long for Lena to agree to what Henshaw proposes, though trust comes far slower. She’s been raised with distrust since she was a child after all. Pretty words, no matter how convincing, aren’t enough to convince her on their own. She’ll wait to make her final decision on that until she’s seen proof with her own eyes.

They give her a new name to use in public, a new identity that she slides into as easily as breathing. At first she resents losing the name she’s worked so hard to earn. But at the DEO base she’s still Agent Luthor, never anything else. The false identity is just protection in the outside world, something to keep Lex from finding her. Because the more she sees of this world, the less she wants to go back to his.

It’s hard, of course. Hours of sparring and learning about more than how to fire a weapon take their toll, and every night Lena collapses into her bed in exhaustion, sleeping deeply until her alarm goes off the next morning to start the routing again. But she’ll take this any day. Working herself into the ground keeps the nightmares away, keeps her from remembering what it had been like to take a life. She knows that she might have to again in this line of work, but she doesn’t think about that. The DEO’s main focus is the containment of alien threats, not the termination of them. And that, she can do.

She doesn’t share personal stories with the other agents. None of them do, really. They all have their secrets, their reasons for being recruited to an agency like this one. Few are likely to be as dark as Lena’s reasons, but that doesn’t mean her fellow agents want them out in the open anyway. They can be colleagues, even friends, but there’s always a separation between work and their lives. They’re all willing and prepared for the possibility they could die for each other, but Lena doesn’t know the first thing about families and lives outside of these walls. For all of them, every agent and recruit alike, their personas in public and within these walls are two separate people, and they only share the Agent, never the civilian.

Lena prefers it that way, even if it means burying the part of herself that needs to know as much about anyone around her as she possibly can. That’s a Luthor instinct, and as much as Lena clings to the name she knows it’s isn’t always a healthy one. Sometimes you need to let people have their secrets and just trust that they mean no harm.

Agent Danvers is the one who teaches her that the most. She’s the most driven of the new recruits, outstripping even Lena in her quest to master everything thrown at them with a single minded determination no one else can match. And that hyper focus draws Lena’s attention, starting her mind to working. There has to be a reason, and she spends a week trying to figure out what in Agent Danver’s life has led her to this point.

But Alex is as secretive as they come, with no flaw in her armor to exploit or examine. Mere hints is all Lena has ever picked up on, not enough to form a complete picture or even an educated guess. But even with the secrecy that Lena wishes she could break through, they become friends. They help each other, the two most promising new agents of the year. Alex is in line for leadership even before they complete the first round of training, and Lena knows the other agent deserves it.

Lena’s place isn’t as certain. She’s promising, yes. She’s talented, of course. But she doesn’t know that she’s ready to be in a situation where she might have to take another life. And at the same time, she’s not sure she could accept a position that uses only half of her abilities. She’s always given everything to a task, whether that was learning to be a Luthor or learning to be a DEO agent, and spending her time in a lab without using every skill she’s worked so hard to master isn’t who she is.

Director Henshaw seems to understand that, as well as her turmoil about going into the field. She’s never sure how, knows her Luthor mask is as impassive as ever, but she’s glad for it. Her first few missions are simple, as they are for all new field agents, but they’re also ones that don’t require a weapons discharge from her. She can get used to the adrenaline and fact that she’s on an actual mission with a gun in hand without actually dealing with pulling the trigger.

By the time a mission inevitably goes wrong, Lena is almost ready for it. The target turns, claws extended and ready to rip into her squadmates, and Lena hears the order to fire in her comm. And just like the first time she’d heard that order, her hands are moving without thinking, centering her aim for a solid body shot. And then she’s squeezing the trigger, watching as her squadmates do the same.

They aren’t sure who actually takes the target down, but that doesn’t matter to Lena as she deals with the realization that once again she’s fired on a living being. This time there was a clear danger, no denying that, but Lena still struggles with what it means. Is the fact that they tried non lethal force enough? Is she cut out for this at all?

In the end it’s the thankful looks of her fellow agents that convince Lena she’d done the right thing. That they all had. This isn’t some shady job Lex had arranged to suit his own ends, this is protecting the citizens of the city and country from a danger they aren’t equipped to face. And more immediate than that, it’s her protecting her fellow agents and friends from a being perfectly prepared to kill them first.

She requests a transfer to the sniper corps the next day.

Director Henshaw doesn’t say a word as he reads through her request, or as he looks at her gravely. He doesn’t mention the struggles she knows he’s aware of, or ask if she’s sure. He just stares at her for a moment before turning his attention back to the request and signing off.

“Remember, doing what’s right isn’t always the same as doing what’s easy,” is all he says as she leaves, and Lena is surprised at how much it helps.

X

She makes more kills over the years. Deals with taking more lives. And eventually she learns to deal with it.

It’s not the most moral, taking a life without warning or hesitation. She knows that. Even though she’s protecting the lives of her fellow agents, there’s always a part of Lena that understands her skill in this area is something others will find evil and dark. 

But Lena is no stranger to the darkness, she’d grown up in it, learned from it. She’s fought to be better, but there’s no escaping the mark it left on her soul, if such things exist. She’s a Luthor, and she’d learned what it meant to be ruthless from the best. So she doesn’t hesitate when the calls come to take the shot. She can’t afford to, not when the lives of her friends are on the line.

At least doing it now, working for the DEO instead of Lex, Lena knows she’s doing something good, something necessary. At least this way, if she is doing something dark, she’s only hurting those who deserve it. And if it wasn’t her taking the shot it would be someone else, someone less familiar with the shadows of human nature, someone who grew up without the shadows corrupting their brightness. And if Lena can protect them from this task, then that’s all the better. Better to add more blood to a dark sleeve than stain one that’s still pure.

It’s not much, but Lena makes her peace with it. She learns to balance her pride in her skill and the disgust of what it means. She learns to take the thanks of her colleagues even as she stands separate from them. They face danger head on, and while every one of them is grateful for what she does, it’s different. She’s apart, different, just as she always has been. Still accepted, still a part of something bigger than herself, but  _ different _ .

She thinks Henshaw is kidding when she gets the order to shoot a target out of the sky. “You want me, a Luthor, to shoot her, a Kryptonian, out of the sky? That seems like a strange choice, sir.” Even if she won’t say it, her brother’s feud with Lex is still definitely on her mind and the thought of being placed up against a Super doesn’t sit right with her. It seems to be asking for trouble.

“You’re our best shot, Agent Luthor. And I promise, she need never know it was you. Your family histories can remain separate.” It’s a direct order despite the phrasing, and Lena doesn’t argue any further. At least it’s only a tranquilizer serum. The thought of being required to use deadly force this time would probably be too much for her to handle.

She’s suiting up in the locker room when Alex walks in, stalking towards her own locker as if something was bothering her. And the two haven’t worked together all that much since they’d graduated training, but Lena still considers Alex a friend, and if something is bothering her then Lena wants to help.

“Something up, Danvers?”she asks casually as she fastens the straps on her tac vest, fastening it so it won’t slide and cause problems at a bad moment. “I haven’t seen you this upset since Jeffries beat your accuracy score.”

“And then I beat his right back,” Alex tosses out, but the answer seems rote. It’s a common tease amongst the younger DEO agents, Alex being so upset at someone scoring higher that she’d drilled for a solid week until she not only beat his score but set a DEO record that would likely stand for years. “But I’m fine. Not upset at all.”

The way she slams her locker shut tells Lena just how much of a lie that is, but she doesn’t push. She’s a friend, not a therapist, and if Alex doesn’t want to talk then Lena won’t make her. She does make a mental note to bring donuts in the morning though, enough to share with the rest of the agents and then a few specially for Alex as well. Something about them always seems to help when the other agent is working through something.

She doesn’t miss the way Alex flinches as she picks out a rifle for the mission, one that’s larger than usual to compensate for the weight of the darts. There’s something about this mission that’s setting Alex off, and Lena wonders when she’ll find out what exactly is bothering her.

It doesn’t take as long as Lena had expected, and when she does she wonders how Alex is even functioning. This alien, this Kryptonian that Lena had shot down, is none other than Kara Danvers, sister to one Agent Alex Danvers.

No wonder Alex had seemed upset.

She hears a little of the fight in the main room, and winces as Kara stalks off. She’s never had anyone close enough to understand how that feels, but she knows it has to hurt. Alex hasn’t really spoken about her sister around the DEO, not beyond casual mentions of the sort they all make. Like how she knows Agent Jeffries has a wife named Linda and Agent Jones has a son named Logan. She doesn’t know any details about them, but she knows they exist. And every time Alex mentions her sister, even with the air of casualness they all fall into when discussing the personal, something about her softens. It’s not much, but Lena knows it speaks of a deep connection between the two.

“She’ll come around,” Lena offers as she steps to Alex’s side, not surprised when the other agent doesn’t seem inclined to take the comfort.

“Maybe I’m the one who needs to come around,”Alex says before striding off, and Lena just lets her go. Whatever is going on between the two, whatever sibling strife this is causing them, she hopes they solve it soon.

X

From the way Kara starts hanging around the DEO after they take out Vartox and deal with the emergence of a new and organized threat they hadn’t known existed before, Lena thinks the sisters have taken solid steps towards figuring out how to navigate the new situation. And she’s glad, she really is. Alex definitely deserves it, and Kara seems nice enough that she probably does too.

Lena wonders what it would be like, to have a sibling relationship that close, but pushes the thought from her mind before she can dwell on it for too long. She’s been away from her family long enough to have mostly separated herself from the lingering bonds of duty and desire to belong, but she still remembers when Lex had been warm. When he’d been the brother she looked up to, the brother who loved her. But that’s been gone for years, had been long gone before she’d been recruited. Before Lex’s crimes had caught up to him.

She does have to smile when Kara starts making the rounds of the DEO agents assigned to this base, watching as her fellow agents fall for the smile and charm one by one. They’re all tough, strong, and immune to most forms of alien persuasion by virtue of their training, but not a one seems able to stand against Kara’s genuine care. Even Agent Jacobs, hard ass that he is, soon softens enough that if you’re quiet you can sneak up on him showing pictures of his kids to Supergirl on his breaks. Something about Kara seems to blur the lines between the agents professional and personal lives, because she cares about both.

And it definitely has an effect on morale, as the teams overhear facts about each other they hadn’t known before, bonds deepen and new friendships form over the smallest things. Unit cohesion is at an all time high, and anyone who looks at Director Henshaw can see him softening towards at least one alien. Even if he refuses to admit it.

But Lena avoids her as much as she can. She’ll watch from the distance as Kara makes her new friends, but she can’t put the memory of lining up the shot out of her mind. Even if Kara makes friends with every other agent, how can Lena expect to be one of them? Their family history aside, Lena doesn’t deserve that. She’s the darkness of the DEO and Kara is the sun. They shouldn’t mix.

Kara doesn’t seem to agree. A few weeks after she’s started hanging around the DEO finds Lena cornered in the firing range by a very energetic Kryptonian who seems determined to introduce herself.

“Hey, Agent Luthor, right? I’m Kara. Or well, Supergirl works too. You guys seem to prefer that one for some reason.” Her charm is undeniable and she clearly knows who Lena is, and the two don’t seem to go together. It throws her for long seconds before she remembers her manners and extends a hand to shake.

“It’s easier to keep the habit on comms if we’re used to it on base,” she explains smoothly, falling back on her Luthor training more than what she’s learned at the DEO. Distantly amicable is definitely the way to go here. “And since comms can be hacked, broadcasting your real identity is probably not the smartest idea.”

“Oh, I guess I didn’t think about that,” Kara says with a frown that Lena fights to avoid classifying as adorable. “Kryptonian communications were almost unbreakable, I always forget human technology is a lot more limited that way.” From anyone else the statement would read as arrogance and superiority, but something about Kara makes it impossible to take offense. It’s a statement of fact and nothing more when it comes from her.

“You’re a DEO asset now, we’ll do everything we can to support and protect,” Lena says, knowing she sounds distant. It’s a Luthor technique to end conversations, and she hopes it works now.

It does, though it doesn’t seem like Kara is happy about it. But it’s better this way. A Luthor and a Super shouldn’t be friends. There’s too much between their families. Too much darkness that comes with the Luthor name no matter how Lena tries to be better. Distant allies is the best either of them should hope for.

Except Kara doesn’t stop seeking her out after that. She doesn’t stop asking questions, and Lena doesn’t have the heart to brush her off. She remains distant but polite, and Kara never seems to have a problem with that. And Lena doesn’t understand it at all.

“Why do you keep talking to me?” she asks one day after Kara seeks her out again, backtracking when she sees the hurt on Kara’s face. “No, I don’t mean it like that, I just don’t understand why a Super would want to talk to a Luthor.”

“Because you’re not your brother, and I’m not my cousin,” Kara says firmly, looking so determined that Lena can’t argue. “My cousin can tell his own story, make his own way. I should have the right to do the same. I can choose my friends and allies just as much as he can, and I choose you, Lena.”

“Why?” Lena asks, fighting down the emotions that threaten to overwhelm her at the simple declaration of belief. She’s not used to someone caring about her like this. As an agent, as an asset, yes. But not as a person. Then again, it’s not like she’s let anyone close enough for that in years.

“Because you deserve it,” Kara says simply and steadily. “And that’s all that matters to me.”

Such simple, absolute belief is foreign to Lena. She can’t imagine where it comes from or how she deserves it. But it’s something she’s craved for years and never found, something she’d long thought out of reach. And it doesn’t come from her family, but maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe she can be more than the Luthor name.

And even if she can’t, maybe she can at least be Kara’s friend.

X

Kara infected by Red!K is terrifying. It’s as if the universe has reversed itself, as if everything is backwards from what it should be. Kara, bright and pure Kara should never know this darkness. She shouldn’t know the first thing about it.

And knowing that the Kryptonite has only brought it to the surface, well, that shakes Lena to her core.

Everything she knows about the world flips in that moment. If Kara can feel such rage, on whatever level it exists, and still be so bright, what does that mean for Lena? Lena’s soul is undoubtedly blackened by everything she’s done and seen over the years, she’s never doubted that. Never doubted that it defined her.

But then here is a hero, infected and hurting, who shows the same blackness that Lena knows all too well. And yet when she isn’t drugged she’s everything good in the world, a paradigm of the best humanity can hope to attain. She’s Kryptonian and not human, yes, but she’s never so alien that she’s out of reach. There’s never anything about her that says ‘you can never match me’. If anything, Kara demands that humanity try. She pushes and leads by example. She sets a standard, and motivates those around her to try.

Even after they save Kara, long after the public has forgiven the darkness and their brush with it, Lena can’t stop thinking about what it means. If Kara knows the darkness that well and can bury it, what does that mean for her?

X

When the news of Lex’s arrest comes, Lena takes a week off from the DEO to process. She hasn’t seen him in years, but she hasn’t forgotten him either. And no matter what he’s done he’s still her brother. So she takes the week, intending to spend it reconciling the shit he’s done with the boy she’d first met. There has to be a way to balance what he’d once been with what he is now.

It takes two days for Kara to show up on her doorstep.

Two days of no sleep, of too many memories, too many tears. By the time she shows up, Lena is weak enough to welcome her presence rather than push her away. She’d thought she could do this on her own, but she can’t. She needs a friend. And despite everything that says they should be enemies, Kara Danvers is that friend.

“Alex has the morning shift so she couldn’t make it, but I thought you could use a friendly face,” Kara says as Lena lets her in. “I brought donuts, they always help when I’m upset.”

“Who said I’m upset?” Lena asks out of reflex, refusing to admit to weakness even though she knows it’s written all over her face. “But I suppose I won’t say no to donuts regardless.” The way Kara smiles, not as widely as she usually does but with just as much warmth, makes Lena think that maybe letting her in isn’t a mistake after all.

By some mercy of the universe, the first time the news mentions the long missing Luthor daughter and wonders at her disappearance, Kara is there. She’d wondered how long it would be before her name came into things, and how much the media might know. She’d been too young to really be in the spotlight, but that won’t stop them from digging into everything they can. And if Lex kept any record of what she’d done, well, Lena is glad she’s a DEO agent with a fake identity already in place if it comes to that.

“You’d think they’d leave you out of this,” Kara mutters darkly from where she’s curled into the edge of Lena’s couch. And Lena might not know this side of the alien that well, but if she’s learned anything from the superhero persona she wears so often, keeping that distance is probably killing her. But Lena needs the space, isn’t ready to accept the comfort Kara no doubt longs to give. Just having her there is about all Lena is ready for.

“For better or worse, I  _ am _ a Luthor, Kara,” Lena points out, though the words stick in her throat. She’d once wanted so desperately for that to be true, but now she almost wishes it weren’t. That some other family had adopted her. But that isn’t her story, isn’t her past. No matter what she does with the rest of her life, that history will always be there.

“That doesn’t mean you’re anything like your brother,” Kara says firmly, crossing her arms and glaring at the TV so hard Lena wouldn’t be surprised to see it explode from a blast of heat vision. And Lena wants to laugh, because if only Kara knew.

Kara has only seen the DEO agent, not the little girl learning to shoulder a rifle bigger than she is. She’s only seen Lena the adult, not the teenager who still hid under the blankets because she knew monsters were real, because they were her family. The woman who uses her skills for good, not the killer who had ended a life without even knowing what her brother was after. Kara doesn’t know her. Kara can’t begin to guess the truth.

The grumbled comments continue as the day goes on, and Lena eventually begins to look forward to them. Kara might be wrong about her, but that doesn’t mean Lena is immune to the comfort in having someone believe in her so completely. She’s never known anyone like Kara, never had anyone so pure in her life.

It’s not until the reporter brings up the one time Lena had gone with Lex that she tenses and wishes Kara weren’t there. Because the blonde obviously sees her reaction, obviously knows something has changed, and Kara isn’t exactly the most tactful half the time. So Lena just braces for the question that she knows is coming.

But it doesn’t, and the reporter doesn’t mention her name, and both of those things leave Lena floundering. She’d been prepared for the worst and instead nothing had happened. She doesn’t know how to react to that.

“I was there,” she ends up saying, hating herself for sabotaging the easy peace that’s fallen between them over the course of the morning. “On that heist, I was there.”

Kara just looks at her for a moment, and Lena braces for the judgement. “That must have been hard,” she hears instead, not sure she hasn’t imagined it until Kara reaches out slowly to place a comforting hand on Lena’s knee. “It’s hard to deal with the truth about our families sometimes.”

She doesn’t seem to understand, and Lena can’t help it. She can’t accept this comfort. She can’t let Kara think the best of her when she deserves nothing of the sort. So Lena spills the whole story, from the time she’d first picked up a rifle to taking that shot. She leaves nothing out. If she’s going to push Kara away, she’s going to do it completely. Who knows, maybe she’ll at least get some catharsis out of the deal.

But that isn’t what happens, and Lena wonders when the universe had decided to take some mercy on her. Because instead of leaving, Kara pulls her close into a comforting hug as the first tears Lena has let fall since she was a child course down her cheeks. And she hadn’t realized just how much of a toll holding herself apart would take until she has someone telling her she’ll be okay. She’s been breaking for years, but suddenly it feels as if she could shatter and still come out intact.

And when the tears finally slow and Lena pulls back, Kara doesn’t let her go far. And that simple comfort, the fact that Kara is genuinely worried about whether she’ll be okay, that means more than Lena could have imagined.

“You aren’t your family, Lena,” Kara says softly. “And you aren’t even your past either.”

She doesn’t believe that, not yet, but at least it helps. And maybe someday she will.

X

Someday doesn’t come quickly, and it doesn’t come easily. It takes years for Lena to move beyond her past, to accept that everyone has a darkness within them and that hers isn’t the worst the world has ever known. That even with the mistakes she’s made, she can still be happy. There are still times that she doubts that.

But Kara never lets it take root. Kara had been the one to push her, to show her an acceptance that Lena craved being worthy of. And that had been enough to make her work towards feeling it herself. Not quickly, not without a lot of falls along the way, but she’d gotten there eventually.

And somewhere along the way she’d even managed to find more than friendship. She’d spent months fighting her attraction, still so certain she wasn’t meant to be happy with someone else even if she could forgive herself for past mistakes. But she couldn’t deny it forever.

She’ll still fall, she’ll still have nightmares, and she’ll still wonder if what she does for a living can ever be fully justified. But she doesn’t have to do it alone. Kara will always make sure of that.

And in the end, having that one person who supports her no matter what, that’s the only acceptance Lena has ever needed. That belief, more even than the love that comes with it, is the home she’s always wanted.

Finally, Lena knows where she belongs.


End file.
